


The re-discovering of self

by XCuteAsHale



Series: Road trip Au [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Three part story, road trip au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 13:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6756274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XCuteAsHale/pseuds/XCuteAsHale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of a road trip that changed their lives, seen in pieces, by three different point of views.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Castiel Novak

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea about a road trip au for ages, and I've even started writing it a thousand times, but it never seems to come. However, I do want to share these pieces of it with you, and hopefully, one day, it'll turn into a real and proper fic.
> 
> First posted on [tumblr](http://www.cute-as-hale.tumblr.com).

 

Castiel Novak, youngest son to _the_ Novak family, had his life planned for him from the day he was conceived. He was to study medicine, get a job at one of the top hospitals in the states, find a girl from a good family and marry her, grant her many children. No questions, no exceptions. Until he met Dean Winchester and everything he knew he was _supposed_ to do, everything he was _supposed_ to want, suddenly didn’t mean anything anymore. **  
**

 

They were college roommates. They couldn’t be less similar. Castiel wore fresh pressed shirts, Dean favored soft worn t-shirts. Castiel spent his time at the library, Dean spent his at the park. Castiel listened to classical music, Dean to old rock and punk.

 

After meeting Dean, Castiel found himself caring less about his father’s books that had been forced down his throat since childhood, and instead began reading those that were deemed lesser, those his father would raise his nose at. Harry Potter. Narnia. John Green. He should have resented Dean for shaking the foundation he’d built his life on, and perhaps, for a little while, he did. But Castiel soon discovered that he had a hard time being angry with his strange roommate.

 

He found himself going to protests, raging against the rape culture on campus, raging against police brutality and racism, raging against sexism. He found himself losing the gag that had been placed in his mouth as a child, losing the blinders placed on his head, and he _saw_ the world, flaws and pains and beauties. He was shunned by his old family, but greeted with open arms by his new one.

 

Falling in love with Dean was easy to Castiel. It could be compared to how the autumn leaves swirled so elegantly in the wind, before the falling to the ground, becoming part of it. He fell in love during the small touches, the gentle smiles and the whispered secrets shared in the night. He fell in love with Dean, but not until he had cast away his old self, and accepted his new one.

 

He discovered parts of himself that he’d never given much thought to before, found names on the parts he’d always worried were strange. The foundation that Dean had shaken when they first met had been built on sand, but Castiel built a new one on hard stone. He learned that he would walk through fire for the ones he cared for, that he had the capability of fighting side by side with those who had different stories than his, those who hadn’t been raised with silver spoons, nannies and riches. Castiel learnt that his discomfort with the idea of sex wasn’t something strange, nor did it mean that he was broken, and he learned to embrace it - learned to use it as a shield, instead of allowing it to be a weapon used against him.

 

When the summer break after their junior year, Dean said he wanted to take a year of, just climb into his 67 chevy impala and drive without aim. Castiel wasn’t able to bear the thought of losing him, so the day Dean had planned to leave, Castiel waited by the passenger door of the impala as he walked up. That was the point where Castiel stopped merely existing; and started living. They stopped by Stanford to pick up Sam, Dean’s younger brother, when a late night call included Dean explaining their plans. 

 

Despite never having met the younger Winchester before, Castiel soon found himself embraced by a friendship he would cherish until he died, and meeting Sam gave him a new insight to the love of his life, to how Dean became the man  he was, and that in and out of itself, helped Castiel understand something he’d never seen before. Family wasn’t just there to bring safety in numbers, nor to give praise and scorn as they chose - family was there to be the wind underneath your wings, doing whatever they could to help you learn how to fly.

 

In Arizona, Castiel got his first tattoo. Dean and Sam snickered when they saw what he’d picked, but Castiel never didn’t care. He left the small shop with a realistic, fat, bumblebee on the outside of his left forearm, and whenever he caught glimpse of it always made a small burst of pride and happiness erupt in his chest. Despite Dean’s teasing, Castiel often caught him looking at the tattoo with a small smile, one so gentle that a tiny part of him ached.

 

Driving wasn’t always easy, the small space the impala provided not always enough, but they made it work. They slept in tents out in the woods, traded stories and dreams by small bonfires, and they _lived_.

 

Castiel Novak, the youngest son of _the_ Novak family, a family who ruled the upper class, was taught by Dean and Sam Winchester, two boys whom his family would never accept, that family doesn’t always end with blood.


	2. Sam Winchester

 

Sam Winchester, always the new kid in class, always dreamed of settling down roots somewhere. He dreamed of gaining friendships that would last more than the few weeks his father usually tolerated a place before they moved again, of sneaking out past curfew with someone special, of having a place to call home. 

 

When his older brother Dean got accepted into college, Sam pushed and bargained for his brother to go, not because he wanted him gone, but because he wanted him to escape the life they were living. He wanted his brother to stop being his father’s son, and instead become himself, no matter the price. Two years later, he followed his brother’s footsteps, leaving his father behind in pursuit of a better life. A life.

 

Being in college was freeing in a way Sam had never experienced before. All the dreams and hopes he had kept as a child now came true, and he found himself gaining new friendships, having flings, and most importantly, a place he knew he fit in. He thrived in class, swallowing whatever information his teachers threw at him, and being rewarded whenever he got an assignment back.

 

When Dean called the summer after his freshman year, Sam had expected to him to say that he found a job, or perhaps even that he’d finally gotten his head straight and asked Castiel out. He hadn’t expected Dean to say that he and Cas had left their school, planning on taking a gap year, driving through the country. It hadn’t taken more than those words, before Sam had started packing, and three days later, he climbed into the impala, leaving his new life behind once more.

 

Meeting Castiel had shown Sam a side to his brother that he’d never been given insight to before. Whilst Sam wasn’t unaccustomed to Dean giving praise and love to those surrounding him, it was a new experience to see how he showed his love to people, instead of saying the words. In the beginning Sam worried that Castiel wouldn’t understand, that he would see Dean’s lack of ability of forming the words themselves as indifference, and not noticing the way he said it without saying it. Sam couldn’t remember a time where his brother said the words,  _ I love you _ , but he had never gone without the knowledge that his brother cared. It was in the way Dean would come back from the store with a salad for him, in the way he would buy a tape with classical music, grumbling throughout it, but listen to it none the less. It worried Sam, in the beginning, that Castiel wouldn’t understand, and that he would inevitably break his brothers heart, but Sam’s worries were for nothing. Seeing the way the two smiled at each other eased something in Sam’s chest. In the silence of the night, he wondered, if this was how people felt when they saw their parent’s still in love after so many years.

 

Sam had always had a passion for books, a passion for knowledge, so it wasn’t a surprise that he always seemed to find a second hand bookstore whenever they stopped. He often lost himself amongst the shelves, with Castiel trailing behind him, ready to grasp hold of whatever Sam recommended him to read. In a small bookshop in Texas, Sam found a series of books on photography, and discovered a new love. When they left Texas behind, Sam had several new books in his bag, a new digital camera as well as a polaroid one. After that, Dean always seemed to stop on places where Sam could indulge in his newfound hobby, though Sam doubted that was his only reasoning. He often saw his brother and Castiel sneak off in the woods, only to reemerge with tousled hair and misbuttoned clothes. 

 

In Louisiana, Sam got his first and second tattoo, much to Dean’s disapproval. Though he would deny it to the day he died, Sam was sure he saw tears gathering in Dean’s eyes, when he saw the lyrics on Sam’s chest. He never explained what the semicolon on his right upper arm was for, but he had a suspicion that his companions knew anyway, though they never said. It gave Sam the strengt he needed, not only to embrace his own faults and pains, but to remember that his story wasn’t over yet. Not even by a long shot.

 

It was in Louisiana that Sam met his best friend as well. Outside one of the motels they were staying at someone had hung up a poster from the local shelter, showcasing some of the animals who had been abandoned or removed from their families, and was now in need of a new home. Before his conscious mind caught up with him, Sam had already walked to the shelter, and was in the middle of signing adoption papers. That was how seven year old Singer joined their gang. It took Dean three days before he allowed Singer in the impala, and every time she jumped in, he always asked Sam if he absolutely had to get an alaskan malamute. 

 

Sam Winchester, the boy whose biggest dream was to settle down and put down roots, learnt that home isn’t a place - it’s a feeling.


	3. Dean Winchester

 

Dean Winchester knew who he was. He knew that he was son of Mary and John Winchester, he knew he was brother of Sam Winchester, and godson of Bobby Singer. He knew he liked old rock music and pie. He knew he loved his impala. He knew he was allergic to cats, and he knew that there was nothing like the feeling in the air at a punk concert. He knew he was a womanizer, he knew he was handsome, and he knew, without any uncertainty, that he was bi-sexual.

 

After his mother died when he was only four years old, Dean was forced to grow up, becoming the primary caretaker for his younger brother, Sammy. His dreams went from becoming a policeman, to making sure that Sam got out, got away from the moving, the drinking, the grief. Somehow, it turned out that Sam had the same wish for him, and when Dean managed to get into college, Sam was his pushing force to go. 

 

Meeting Castiel Novak for the first time was something that would always stay with Dean. The memory of the oh so confused man standing in their doorway, looking like he came straight from church, and like if he as much as looked Dean in the eye, he would suddenly comburst. 

 

They were like oil and water and shouldn’t have worked, but somehow, they did. Where as Castiel wouldn’t be a functioning human being before noon and four cups of coffee, Dean woke with the birds. Castiel read the old classics, and Dean worked his way through the entire Morgan Kane series. Castiel prefered the quiet, and Dean thrived on the pulse of campus life. Castiel focused on his studies full time, whilst Dean worked a part time job to pay for his school, and to be able to send Sam some spending money. Dean was raised with a don’t ask - don’t tell mentality, and Castiel was raised with the  _ they  _ don’t exist mentality. Dean loved summer and spring, Castiel prefered the autumn and winter’s chill. 

 

To Dean, falling in love with Castiel wasn’t a big revolution. There weren’t any great moment where he looked at him and thought; I’m in love with this person. It was more a continued process, perhaps even starting on that first day, and Dean was aware of every second. He knew he was falling in love with Castiel’s morning grumpiness, with his lack of knowledge of the great classic movies and with his persistent need to please everyone. He was falling in love with Castiel’s new discovery of over-sized knitted sweaters, with his soft scarves and comfortable jeans. He was falling in love with his helpfulness and kindness to strangers. He was falling in love with his lack of social graces and understanding of sarcasm. He was falling in love with his weird facts about bees, flowers and history. Dean was falling in love with a force of nature, and he was loving every second of it.

 

The summer of his junior year, Dean got an itch under his skin, a fire started by a letter dropped in his mailbox. Dropping out of school was easy, simply signing some papers, tell his friends that he was taking a gap year, and leave. Or, it would have been, hadn’t it been for the fact that the day he was supposed to leave, he walked down to find Castiel leaning on his baby. He didn’t try to convince Castiel to stay, perhaps selfish in not doing so, just got in and started driving. They spent a week on the road, sleeping curled close together in old, moldy motel rooms, before he called Sam. By the time he hung up the phone, he’d agreed to come pick his brother up, and there was nothing more to do than curl closer to Castiel. Three days later, they stopped the car outside Sam’s dorm, and the giant who supposedly was Dean’s  _ little  _ brother got in. 

 

Having his brother and his boyfriend in the same car might have been uncomfortable, and Dean would be lying if he couldn’t admit that he wanted Sam to approve of Castiel, though he knew that if push came to shove it shouldn’t matter. It would, of course, but it shouldn’t. Thankfully the two went together like peas in a pot, a strange sort of friendship forming between them, making a warm sensation grow in Dean’s chest. Whereas Dean couldn’t keep up with Sam’s geekiness, Castiel seemed to absorb it like a sponge. And when Dean fell out from Castiel’s lectures about the ancient greek mythology, Sam would spar with him, arguments thrown back and forth on the god’s long since forgotten.

 

In Albuquerque, the three friends went to their first pride parade, and while he would deny it to the day he died, and even after that, Dean couldn’t help but tear up at the sight of the pure acceptance the parade gave. The biggest impression for him that day, was seeing an older man wearing a t-shirt that proudly stated; I love my gay son. He wondered if John might ever feel the same way, because while he might have Bobby’s full support, he couldn’t help but yearn for his father’s as well.

 

When they reach Arizona, Castiel get’s his first tattoo, holding onto Dean’s hand the entire time. The bumblebee is such a good representation of Castiel that Dean can’t help but tease him for it, but in all reality, it’s just one more part that he loves about him. He thinks about saying it, those three words, then. Whilst Castiel has been free and open in his declarations of love, Dean hasn’t been able to say it back, not in such an obvious way. He knows Castiel understand, that there’s no mistake between either of them that Dean really does love him, he just can’t say the words. He can’t even make himself utter them to Sam. Instead he sits for two and a half hour in an uncomfortable chair, holding Castiel’s hand, fussing about if he wants some orange juice. After all, when getting a tattoo, it’s important to keep your blood sugar up. Castiel only smiles softly and offers him a quick peck on the lips. That night they curl up together, both to aware of Sam sleeping in the bed next to theirs, both snickering and giggling like little girls. The next day they buy two tents, one for them to share, and one for Sam to put up slightly away from theirs. 

 

In Louisiana, Dean visits another tattoo parlor, this time because Sam called and asked him to come and help him pick a tattoo. When Dean arrives, praying for the capability of changing his stubborn baby brother’s mind, he’s met with a declaration of love sitting on Sam’s chest. No matter what anyone says, Dean doesn’t cry, and if he does, it’s absolutely normal to be sad when your pain-in-the-ass little brother does something stupid. It takes him forty five minutes to forgive Castiel for not telling him about Sam’s plans, his boyfriend instead having chosen to sit by Sam as he got both his tattoos, the piece for Dean and the semicolon on his arm. Dean doesn’t have to ask to know what it’s about, having read about it on the internet, he’s only happy that his brother has understood the most important part. Sam’s story isn’t over yet. It almost was, if it wasn’t for Dean’s undying love for his brother, he might have killed him when he came back to the camp site with a wolf trailing behind him. Three days later Singer is already part of their mix match family, and Dean is a proud uncle.

 

When they reach Florida, Dean warns his companions that they won’t be staying more than the time it’ll take them to drive through the state, lest one of them becomes gator food. Sam and Castiel laugh at him, but when they manage to drag him to a alligator show and one of the handlers gets bitten, neither of them argue when Dean claims it’s time to leave. According to Sam, the hot weather wasn’t good for Singer anyway. 

 

Four months after they left Stanford, they reach Minnesota, where they end up staying for almost three months. Sam and Castiel both get part time jobs at a small library, while Dean takes work at a garage, grateful to be able to work with his hands once more. It doesn’t hurt either that the owner of the garage, an older widowed woman, allows him to tune up the impala after hours. The time Dean isn’t at the garage is spent in the woods with Castiel, Sam and Singer. They found a good place to set up camp, and despite the October chill, they’re all enjoying the fresh outdoors after such a long period spending most of their time in the car. As much as Dean loves his baby, there isn’t much that can beat walking alongside Castiel in the mist of dawn, fingers gracing each other in complete silence. His muscles ache more these days. He tells Castiel the story of his own tattoo, how he saved up the money when he turned sixteen and lied his way to getting it, fearing Bobby’s reaction when he noticed. Dean’s sure the old man would have yelled, would have made promises of future regrets of childhood mistakes, hadn’t it been for what the tattoo represents. 

 

By the time they finally end up in Sioux Falls, almost a year has passed, and the nature surrounding them is in full bloom. It doesn’t have to be said out loud that they’ll be staying at Bobby’s place, an unvoiced agreement between the three, and Dean drives the impala directly to Singer’s Salvage Yard. If Bobby’s surprised to see them, it doesn’t show, and he gives a rare smile when he learns what Sam named his dog. A week after they arrive, Sam starts talking about going back to Stanford, and though Castiel has yet to say anything, Dean know’s he’s wanting to go back to school as well. Bobby keeps sending them knowing looks, and it isn’t until Singer starts trailing Dean by the ankle that Sam and Castiel starts questioning why.

  
One week and three days after arriving home, Dean Winchester, the boy who grew up too fast after losing his mother, finally got to see her again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, folks.


End file.
